


Jellicle Planet of Jellicle Perils and Jellicle Pitfalls and Jellicle Regrets

by Beth Harker (Beth_Harker)



Category: Cats (2019), Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber, Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Crack Fic, F/M, M/M, Mild Sexual Humor, Multi, PLEASE keep that in mind as Riker charms his way through their ranks, Parody, they are aliens not literal cats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-02-19 06:28:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22306717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beth_Harker/pseuds/Beth%20Harker
Summary: Several crew members from the Enterprise Jellicle crash on a Jellicle world inhabited by Jellicle life forms, just in time for the Jellicle Ball.  While they wait for their ship to rescue them, they must adjust to Jellicle life on the Jellicle planet.  Disaster strikes when one member of the crew finds himself the subject of the mysterious Jellicle Choice.
Relationships: Macavity (Cats)/William Riker, William Riker/Victoria (Cats)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

It was a dark and stormy night (in space). Commander Will Riker, Data, Worf, Geordi LaForge, Dr. Crusher, and Deanna Troi were in a shuttle craft for a reason. The shuttle craft crashed, because there was a “problem”, also known as a “complication”, also known as a “plot device”, also known as Riker suddenly becoming an awful shuttle craft driver for no cause other than that the narrative required it of him. At any rate, the shuttle craft smashed into a conveniently placed Class M Planet, and proceeded to disintegrate. Nobody was hurt, but everybody passed out. Including Worf. 

Deanna was the first to come to. Even before opening her eyes, she knew that they were surrounded by beings of some sort. The beings were hanging back in the shadows. She sensed in them apprehension, but also curiosity, and a profound horniness. She sat up cautiously. Glowing eyes peered back at her. One of the creatures slunk forward on its hands and knees. Its five fingered hands and pointed nose were human-esque if not outright humanoid, yet it seemed to be covered sparsely in what could only be described as a strange parody of fur. It moved with a grace that was almost... _feline_. The ever-twitching tail, which sprouted from its well-defined buttocks, made Deanna wonder if she should turn away to offer the creature privacy, or perhaps clothing, but that was not to be. After all, it was not her place to interfere in the lifestyles, tails, or butts of interplanetary civilizations. There was a Prime Directive and it was Very Important. 

One by one, the crew started to awaken, even as more creatures crept out of the darkness, forming a ring around them. There were tens, if not dozens. Worf’s hand crept towards the phaser at his waist, in a gesture of readiness rather than aggression, for he did not raise it. Dr. Crusher’s hand crept to her healing doctor tool thing, but she didn’t take it out, because nobody was showing obvious signs of injury, and she didn’t want to freak out the cat people. 

“My name is William Riker,” said William Riker. For reasons of the Prime Directive he did not disclose that he and the others had fallen from space. 

All of the cat people did many cartwheels and somersaults. They stopped abruptly to stare at the Enterprise crew. 

“Are you blind when you’re born?” asked a grey cat person with many abs. 

Data glanced at Geordi. He opened his mouth to answer the question, but Riker gestured for him to be quiet. 

“Can you see in the dark?” asked another. Before anybody could answer, the cat people proceeded to dance for a very long time. “Jellicle, Jellicle, Jellicle, Jellicle,” they chanted as they danced. 

“Commander,” said Data, “is it possible that our translators could be malfunctioning?” 

Commander Riker, still useless for plot purposes, shrugged. 

“As we can all understand each other,” grunted Worf, “It is my assumption that the translators are functioning within normal parameters.” 

Geordi fiddled with his own translator. “I was thinking the same thing, but I’ll be damned if I know what a Jellicle is.” 

“I too find it perplexing,” said Data. 

All the dancing stopped. 

“What’s a Jellicle?” asked one of the dancers. 

“What’s a Jellicle?” they all repeated in scary unison. 

They took a deep breath, perhaps to deliver a lengthy explanation that would clarify nothing, or perhaps to begin singing again. 

“They’re not from here,” interrupted a young woman with white fur and the air of an ingenue. 

“Right.” The one with grey fur coughed as though clearing his throat, or perhaps dislodging a hairball. “I’m Munkustrap and this is Victoria. We are Jellicles. That is the name of our species.” 

Everybody breathed a sigh of relief, because ‘Jellicle’ being a term for cat like aliens with strange customs on a different planet was a lot less bizarre than any other possible interpretation of the term. 

“Are you here for the ball?” asked Victoria. 

Faster than any human could imagine, Data’s infinite database of knowledge ran through different meanings of the word ‘ball’. It could refer to a kind of toy, of which he could not see any. It could also refer to a sort of genitalia that certain members of many species possessed, but all of the Jellicles were entirely smooth in the areas where those features typically occurred. It could also refer to a fancy-dress party involving dancing. Data concluded that Victoria the Jellicle probably meant the third definition of ball. 

Apparently Commander Riker concluded the same thing. “Will you be at the ball?” he asked Victoria, with a wink and a smile that was obviously meant to charm. 

“I will.” 

“Then we would be delighted to attend.”


	2. Chapter 2

Not long later, the crew of the Enterprise found themselves seated atop an enormous bed with the one who called herself “Victoria”. The bed was very similar to the beds that they were used to sleeping on, but it was nearly one hundred times as large. In all the years of his life, Riker had not spent much time wondering what it might feel like to be the size of a small rodent, but that was the sensation that he was discovering now. What made it even stranger was that the window they’d climbed through to get into this room had been more or less normal sized, until they’d entered and it had seemed to expand around them. The shoes at the end of the bed were huge until anybody stepped near them, at which point they shrunk to be a perfectly serviceable and normal sized pair of shoes that could fit upon a more or less average sized pair of feet. 

“It seems that the sizes of every day objects on this world are in constant flux,” said Data. “My tricorder readings support this hypothesis. We should proceed with caution.” 

Dr. Crusher nodded wisely. “It would certainly be inconvenient if that scratch on the floorboards were to suddenly become the size of Earth’s Grand Canyon.” 

“We’ll have to cross that bridge when we get to it,” said Geordi, to which Data cocked his head in confusion. 

“If we were to encounter something the size of the geographical phenomenon that the doctor just mentioned, we would not be able to build a bridge with the necessary expediency.” 

As the crew conversed, Victoria rolled around on the bed, occasionally spreading her lithe dancer legs so that she might lick herself between them. Although she had promised to explain the Jellicle Ball to the stranded Enterprise crew, she seemed content to simply sit in their presence ignoring them. Every so often she’d look at Riker, blink slowly once or twice, then look away, smiling to herself. 

“Is this your house?” Deanna asked Victoria, after a sufficient amount of time had passed without a sufficient amount of explanations. 

“I don’t have a house,” she said. “At least, not since—” she shook her head, ears twitching. “Well, none of that matters any more, does it? The people I lived with before didn’t want me. I’ve found my home among the Jellicles.” 

“I can’t imagine anybody not wanting you,” said Riker, edging in closer to Victoria. “Now, why don’t you tell us all about this Jellicle Ball?” 

“It’s the night when we make the Jellicle Choice.” 

“I dislike the sound of that,” said Worf, who currently disliked the sound of everything (for Klingon Reasons). 

“You’ll all participate, won’t you?” asked Victoria. 

“Of course!” said Riker. “We wouldn’t miss it! How do we participate?”

“You must create and perform a song about yourself,” said Victoria. “The winner will leave this world to begin a new Jellicle life.” 

“I would very much like to leave this world,” said Worf. 

“Then you must convince our leader, old Deuteronomy, to choose you!” 

“This could be our ticket out of here,” said Geordi (for plot reasons). 

“Commander, may I have a word?” asked Deanna. 

“Of course.” 

Deanna and Riker climbed perilously down from the bed, and walked to the far corner of the room. On the way they passed what appeared to be a fork and spoon, only both utensils were bigger than their heads. Between them was a normal sized ball of yarn. 

“Do you think it’s wise to participate in rituals we know nothing about?” asked Deanna. 

“Not only is it necessary, it’s also dictated by the Prime Directive. If we don’t participate in this ritual, it may interfere in the natural development of the Jellicle civilization.” 

“Of course,” Deanna agreed.  
“Besides,” said Riker, with a suggestive eyebrow waggle in Victoria’s general direction, “I have my own personal prime directive to follow, if you know what I mean.” 

“Perhaps better than any one else in the universe, imzadi.” 

Walking back to the bed hand in hand, Deanna and Riker passed by the fork and knife, which were now the size of needles. 

Before they could reach their destination, however, a velvety brown, ripped, and particularly naked looking cat guy materialized in front of them. His green eyes were very green. “Incorrigible!” he whispered, before snapping his fingers in front of Riker’s face, causing them both to disappear into thin air.


	3. Chapter 3

As Deanna and Riker walked, the rest of the Enterprise crew sat in rapt attention. Before them, Victoria rose to explain the Jellicle Choice. 

“This is the third ball I’ve attended,” said Victoria. “The choice will be made by old Deuteronomy. You must prove your worthiness, and then you can leave this world.” 

“And go where?” asked Data. 

“Only those who are pure of heart will be chosen.” 

Data cocked his head. He had made a direct query in hopes of receiving a direct answer.

“To go where?” Data repeated. 

“Up!” Victoria stretched out her leg, using her toes to point gracefully towards the sky. “Meow meow meow,” she added. Suddenly, music flooded the room. Victoria did a ballet solo. 

Meanwhile, Deanna had attempted to circle the room in search of Will, but the room had grown exponentially which each step. A discarded shoe looked ahead of her like a mountain. 

“Commander Riker!” she called out. “Will!” 

Something little scuttled by her foot, giggling. Another something followed. A third followed, but tripped over its feet, falling over and rolling on its fat belly. Sensing no malice from the little creature, Deanna lowered her finger to give it a hand up. 

“M-much obliged, Miss,” said the tiny life form before Deanna, which looked rather like a cross between a mouse and a human child. Though Deanna still did not sense any malice, she sensed a high level of apprehension. 

“I won’t hurt you,” Deanna promised. 

The mouse-child gave her a big grin, which Deanna feared was forced. She looked around her, but the bed where her crew mates waited was nowhere in sight. That left her no choice but to ask her new companion for help. 

“Would you be able to show me to the bed in the center of this room?” Deanna asked. 

“Of course!” the creature answered, with an alacrity that left Deanna troubled. It did not take her long to figure out the source of her worries. The bed was not as far as she had originally feared, and it took Deanna and the creature only a few minutes to reach it. As they did, Victoria swiped her paw off the side, plucked up Deanna’s guide by its tail, and popped it in her mouth as it screamed. 

“Nooooo!” Deanna cried out. “I sense great fear! Let it gooo! You’re scaring it!”

(Deanna knew the creature was scared because she was an empath.) 

Victoria paused. She looked at Deanna. Outside her mouth, to little pair feet kicked and struggled for dear life. Victoria seemed to sigh, then spit the creature out. 

“Th-thank you miss Victoria! I won’t forget your kindness!” With that, the creature scampered away. 

“What was all that?!” shouted Dr. Crusher. 

“A mouse!” said Victoria. “Delicious and entertaining. What happened to Commander Riker?” 

“That,” said Deanna, “is a very good question.” 

—————————

Meanwhile, commander Riker was on a barge in the middle of the ocean, getting dressed. The reason that he was getting dressed was that he’d been undressed very recently (👈subtext). Macavity, like many before him, had fallen well and thoroughly for Riker’s charms. Riker had to admit that Macavity had many charms of his own. He also had information. 

“You can’t imagine how much of my life I wasted, fighting to become the Jellicle choice,” said Macavity. “Only realize it was just so much smoke and mirrors. Oh yes! Smoke! And mirrors! And something sinister beyond it all.” 

Macavity opened up his mouth in a maniacal laugh (which was rendered warm and musical by the undying love that Riker bore for him). 

“You know what the Jellicle Choice is?” Macavity asked. “The Jellicle Choice is death!”


	4. Chapter 4

At that moment, Riker should have made haste to rescue his crew mates. Instead, he was making wedding arrangements for himself and Macavity, because of the Prime Directive. 

Meanwhile, the crew of the Enterprise were preparing songs to sing at the Jellicle Ball, having realized that anything else might alert their hosts to the fact that they were from rather far away, thus smashing the Prime Directive to smithereens. 

Worf won the Jellicle ball because everybody knows Klingons rock the whole poetry and music thing (that’s actually canon compliant!!).

Just as Worf was about to embark on the hot air balloon chandelier of death, Wesley Crusher swooped in and rescued everybody. It was Wesley and not Picard because Wesley.

Lovingly, Riker kissed Macavity goodbye. Then, for good measure, he did the same thing to Victoria. In order to maintain status quo, his lost loves were never mentioned again. 

Upon returning to the Enterprise, Data felt his first ever emotion. It was joy and relief that Spot couldn’t tap dance. 

In conclusion, a cat is not a dog.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I win.


End file.
